The Chronicles of Smurf – Principle 6
Produce No Waste
Day 20
Sometimes I worry about Banjo.
We were discussing Permaculture principles, a subject dear to the Suzy’s heart and one with which I am now moderately au fait. I was trying to teach Banjo the rudiments. Unfortunately, it is not always easy to convey new concepts to my canine friend.
‘Principle six is particularly interesting,’ I continued. ‘It exhorts us to produce no waste.’
Banjo considered this for a moment. ‘That’s probably why humans never poop.’
‘Pardon?’
‘That’s why humans — adult humans — don’t poop. The little ones poop constantly for a couple of years, then … nothing. It often worries me, that they don’t poop. It can’t be healthy …’
It is disconcerting, in the midst of an apparently sensible conversation, to discover that you are talking to an imbecile.
‘Dear Banjo, what on Earth leads you to that conclusion?’
‘Well, have you ever seen them poop? I haven’t.’
‘But that doesn’t mean … Absence of evidence is not evidence of …’
‘The first thing I do when Baz lets me off the leash is find somewhere to have a good poop,’ interrupted Banjo, enthusiastically following his own train of thought. ‘I’ve never ever seen Baz do that.’
‘Baz?’
‘The Hub. The Dad. His mates call him Baz, Bazza, Bazzo, Big Baz, and so on.’
The conversation was fluttering out of control, like a dazed sparrow that has flown into a window.
‘When you go out of a morning, Smurf, you have a crap in the veggie patch. The Suzy is always grumbling about it.’
I may have blushed. It’s difficult to tell, when you’re covered head to tail in black fur. ‘Oh. I didn’t think anyone noticed. I’m always careful to cover my … ahh … traces.’
‘The Suzy says that’s the worst thing. “Not only does he shit on my onions, he then proceeds to scrape up all the seedlings to hide it,” she says.’
‘Well, that is … as may be. As far as the humans are concerned, defecation takes place in the toilet. That small room with the sound of rushing water.’
‘Ah,’ said Banjo. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes, absolutely.’
‘Well, you never see them scooping the poop and carrying it around in little black bags, like they do with mine. How come the toilet isn’t full by now?’
‘They … ah …’ I had to admit, I had never really considered this aspect. Where were they hiding all those stools?
Next week in the Chronicles of Smurf:
Principle 7: Design from Patterns to Details
Smurf learns more about the Permaculture design plan for Dry Creek Farm and is concerned that it may involve giant predatory reptiles.